Thursday, October 15, 2009

Come sail away: Sports figures in need of a long balloon ride




OK, this probably in really bad taste, but the kid wasn't in the balloon, he's totally fine, and I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching the damn thing fly around so I'm entitled to rip on the situation a little bit. Here's a short list of athletes/sports figures that would be best served to float away in a homemade balloon...


Eric Mangini - I don't like Eric Mangini (as a coach at least; don't know him personally and honestly don't care to) and I've made that perfectly clear on multiple occasions. I never understood the praise he got as being an incredible coach. The truth is, he has a sub .500 record as a head coach and he obviously has a serious problem relating to, and managing his personnel. Besides playing Bill Belichick style games with his QB situation in the preseason, he has flat out lied to the media about his "good relationship" with Brady Quinn on multiple occasions. Maybe a long, isolated balloon trip would help bring him to the conclusion that this head coaching thing isn't really his best line of work.

Gus Johnson
- Anyone who has ever heard Gus as a commentator for basketball, football or MMA knows extra what I'm talking about. When this man does sports, he makes anything he sees sound as if it's the Miracle on Ice, Kirk Gibson's home run game, and the Rumble in the Jungle all rolled into one. Suzyn Waldman thinks Gus Johnson overdoes it, and that's really saying something. Perhaps an extended period of time in a helium balloon would make his brand of commentating more bearable. It would sure make it a lot more interesting.

Manny Ramirez - No real reason he needs to be sent away in a balloon, (other than the steroids, Green Monster bathroom break, and general futility in the field) it just seems like something Manny would do without prompting anyway. Plus, when he wants to come back down, rescuers can just use his massive dreadlocks as the tethers to lock him down.

Al Davis - If for no other reason than he has driven the Raiders into the ground, Davis should be forcibly strapped into a balloon and sent on a trip around the world. Maybe with someone else in charge, the coaches will stop assaulting assistants, the QB would complete more than 40 percent of his passes, and other teams wouldn't be calling regular season games against the Raiders glorified "walkthroughs". Realistically, you probably wouldn't even need to provide a balloon to send him into the air. Just duct tape the cuffs on his windjacket and windpants and fill it up with helium. I guarantee it would work.

Steve Spagnuolo - I get the feeling a forced trip in a balloon would meet with very little resistance from Spagnuolo at this point. Having to stare a the gray walls of the balloon capsule would probably be a welcome change from being forced to watch the Rams from the sidelines every weekend.

Stephen Jackson - Despite this being absolutely necessary, I would be wary of actually allowing this one to happen. With Jackson, he might fall out and hurt himself because he would probably punch a hole in the balloon. Lucky for the youth of America, no one would try to recreate his flight because he doesn't want "young guys to try to follow me". Don't worry Stephen, no one would.

Sidney Crosby - He desperately needs to be put in a balloon and sent away for awhile, if only to spare the sanity of NHL referees. The problem is he would die from lack of air after fruitlessly campaigning for hours on end for a penalty against the balloon for excessively touching him.

Brett Favre - Besides the obvious over saturation of Favre in the sports media and his general obnoxiousness, I think it would be a miracle of science if a balloon could actually take off and maintain flight under the massive drag of Favre's enormous ego.

No comments:

Post a Comment