Come sail away: Sports figures in need of a long balloon ride

OK, this probably in really bad taste, but the kid wasn't in the balloon, he's totally fine, and I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching the damn thing fly around so I'm entitled to rip on the situation a little bit. Here's a short list of athletes/sports figures that would be best served to float away in a homemade balloon...


Eric Mangini - I don't like Eric Mangini (as a coach at least; don't know him personally and honestly don't care to) and I've made that perfectly clear on multiple occasions. I never understood the praise he got as being an incredible coach. The truth is, he has a sub .500 record as a head coach and he obviously has a serious problem relating to, and managing his personnel. Besides playing Bill Belichick style games with his QB situation in the preseason, he has flat out lied to the media about his "good relationship" with Brady Quinn on multiple occasions. Maybe a long, isolated balloon trip would help bring him to the conclusion that this head coaching thing isn't really his best line of work.

Gus Johnson - Anyone who has ever heard Gus as a commentator for basketball, football or MMA knows extra what I'm talking about. When this man does sports, he makes anything he sees sound as if it's the Miracle on Ice, Kirk Gibson's home run game, and the Rumble in the Jungle all rolled into one. Suzyn Waldman thinks Gus Johnson overdoes it, and that's really saying something. Perhaps an extended period of time in a helium balloon would make his brand of commentating more bearable. It would sure make it a lot more interesting.

Manny Ramirez - No real reason he needs to be sent away in a balloon, (other than the steroids, Green Monster bathroom break, and general futility in the field) it just seems like something Manny would do without prompting anyway. Plus, when he wants to come back down, rescuers can just use his massive dreadlocks as the tethers to lock him down.

Al Davis - If for no other reason than he has driven the Raiders into the ground, Davis should be forcibly strapped into a balloon and sent on a trip around the world. Maybe with someone else in charge, the coaches will stop assaulting assistants, the QB would complete more than 40 percent of his passes, and other teams wouldn't be calling regular season games against the Raiders glorified "walkthroughs". Realistically, you probably wouldn't even need to provide a balloon to send him into the air. Just duct tape the cuffs on his windjacket and windpants and fill it up with helium. I guarantee it would work.

Steve Spagnuolo - I get the feeling a forced trip in a balloon would meet with very little resistance from Spagnuolo at this point. Having to stare a the gray walls of the balloon capsule would probably be a welcome change from being forced to watch the Rams from the sidelines every weekend.

Stephen Jackson - Despite this being absolutely necessary, I would be wary of actually allowing this one to happen. With Jackson, he might fall out and hurt himself because he would probably punch a hole in the balloon. Lucky for the youth of America, no one would try to recreate his flight because he doesn't want "young guys to try to follow me". Don't worry Stephen, no one would.

Sidney Crosby - He desperately needs to be put in a balloon and sent away for awhile, if only to spare the sanity of NHL referees. The problem is he would die from lack of air after fruitlessly campaigning for hours on end for a penalty against the balloon for excessively touching him.

Brett Favre - Besides the obvious over saturation of Favre in the sports media and his general obnoxiousness, I think it would be a miracle of science if a balloon could actually take off and maintain flight under the massive drag of Favre's enormous ego.

Why does Bernard Hopkins know what gay porno looks like?

(Ain't nothin' homo 'bout my gimp mask, son)

Ignorance is bliss, just ask Bernard Hopkins. In all honesty, there is probably nothing funnier than when a boxer/boxing promoter starts bashing MMA. Whether it be Bob Arum's rant about MMA being "homosexual" and directed at "skinheads", or Floyd Mayweather's classic comment that the sport is for "beer drinkers", boxing people are always great for a hilarious sound byte. Not to be outdone, or completely forgotten at this point in his career, Bernard Hopkins decided to add his two cents to the boxing/MMA argument. In an interview with BoxingScene.com, the Executioner said

"Everybody is different. I don't want to watch two grown men wrestling with panties on. I'm from the hood, we don't play that. To me, I'm not buying a ticket to watch two grown men with panties on, sweating, nuts in their face. That's not me. To compare that to boxing is ludicrous. It's a porno. It's an entertainment porno. I'm not wrestling a guy with panties on and his nuts in my face, and they call that a sport.

"I'm not criticizing people for what kind of entertainment they like. I think most of those people have chains and masks in their closets. There is something out there for everybody. I can understand if 90% of women were going to those things but I can't understand a grown man sitting there with a couple of guys watching two grown men with panties on, sweating. That's just my opinion. It's not a good look."

LOL! Of course this is just the rantings of a man who is watching his sport erode and be overrun by a growing sport. Boxing has grown stagnant with endless forced title shots, countless organizations with their own titles, lack of quality match making, and an overall problem garnering and holding the interest of fans. While boxing might deliver a true marquee match up 3-4 times a year, the UFC alone puts on double that in any given year. This fails to add in the co-main events that are quite often better than the actual main event. But back to Mr. Hopkins...

Let me get this "straight" (see what I did there?), MMA fighters are gay because they sweat and hang on to each other during a fight? Hmm, you must have been one cool customer in all of your 12 round fights to never break a sweat. And the holding on to each other thing, that hasn't plagued boxing for years has it? I especially love the "panties" line; that is an instant classic quote. It's made even more hilarious considering boxers like Hopkins walk out to the ring in shiny, sequined robes that Hugh Hefner would find tacky and proceed to dance around (stick and move for the snobs) for 30-36 minutes in matching sequined trunks. A lopsided victory for hypocrisy!

Don't get it twisted, I love both boxing and MMA (70-30 MMA for now). I just can't stand it when professional boxers try to discredit professional mixed martial artists and talk down to those who support MMA as being fans of gay porn because they don't understand the appeal of ground work. Much in the same way that training a boxer's hands is a an art, learning the intricacies of the ground game, whether it be wrestling, judo or jiu-jitsu, is simply a different art. They both have their value, and neither should be diminished in their difficulty to learn or master. With his comments, Hopkins sounds like an insecure, homophobe who refuses to believe there is a difference between high level competitive grappling, and gay sex. Perhaps it's the unbridled homophobia, disparaging "we're better than you" comments, and incredible greed by promoters, and certain boxers, that is turning people away the sport. While the boxing world sits up on it's pedestal in it's fantasy land and judges everyone around it, MMA is down to earth, chipping away at it's base, slowly bringing boxing back to reality.

Perhaps what Joe Calzaghe did to Bernard Hopkins really scarred him for life. If that's the case, maybe I can let his comment go this one time. After all, being a participant in simulated gay sex might have made him sensative to the subject.


ed. note: this .gif never gets old. Comedy at it's finest.

Knee-jerk Reactions: A Completed Sale of the Denver Broncos

1) OK, I give up; the Broncos are legit...: ...and I'm finally ready to say that with confidence. I've been skeptical of this team and their success early on this season, and for good reason. Until the Pats came to town on Sunday, the Broncos hadn't really been tested (the Cowboys included) and were one fluke play away from losing their first game. But, Josh McDaniels and his semi-slapped together crew of other team's castaways is for real. Kyle Orton is having an absolute renaissance under center in Denver, Brandon Marshall has ceased acting like a child and decided to play to his potential, Knowshon Moreno is looking like one of the smartest picks from this year's draft, Champ Bailey is playing like Champ Bailey again, and the diminutive Elvis Dumervil is a total freak coming off the edge. The Broncos are 1-0 to start their murderers row part of their schedule, if they can make it through the other 3 games unscathed, they may jump into the conversation as the best team in the NFL. Although I'm sold on this team as being how I think they are, don't hold your breath on that one.

2) Remember what I said about the Jaguars?: Yeah, they're still really bad. I may have to chalk the 41-0 beating they took up in Seattle up to Owen Schmidt make himself bleed his own blood in pregame. Maybe, but probably not. More than likely I'll chalk their loss up to the fact that they are just godawful all around (with the exception of MoJo).

3) Toss up: Who's worse? JaMarcus Russell, or Derek Anderson?: Sorry, the PTI voice in my head doesn't really translate well to type. Anyway...seriously, who is the worse QB of these two? Russell finally completed over 50 percent of his passes (8-13 for 100 yards. Hall of Fame, here he comes) but fumbled the ball away 3 times while being routed by the Giants. Anderson on the other hand, was the anti-star of the biggest pillow fight game of the week (season?) against the Bills, completing at an 11.8 percent clip (2-17 for 23 yards). Just for some perspective, Anderson's completion percentage is the second lowest in the history of the NFL.

I'm really having a hard time deciding which of these QB's is more terrible than the other. The inclination would be to go with Russell simply because he was the number 1 overall pick for the Raiders. But I think I'm going to go with Anderson as of right now. Sure, part of it has to do with my undying man-crush on Brady Quinn, but the other part has to do with the fact that he has been complete garbage this season. I've said it since Russell was playing at LSU; he's got a big arm, and that's about it. He's clearly too immature to play in the NFL (300 pounds at training camp? Really?) and the team around him was incredible during his college year. But Anderson, the man was a Pro Bowler not so long ago. Where did that guy go?

Since replacing Quinn two weeks ago, Anderson has racked up a staggering 1 passing TD, and 5 wonderful interceptions. So much for that shot in the arm the offense needed, right coach Mangini? I'm really starting to believe that Brady Quinn must have slept with Mangini's wife (look at the man and tell me it isn't possible). What other logical reason could he have for leaving him on the bench while watching Anderson excel in futility since being named starter? There is absolutely no possible way that Quinn could do worse than the disgrace to football we watched Sunday.

The really sad part; the Browns still won the game. Toronto's calling, Bills fans!

4) Someone better stop Iowa, and quickly: O-H...I-O! Get used to cheering that because the Buckeyes may be our only chance from having to witness Iowa get slaughtered in the National Title game. Before the lynch mobs show up at the door, let me explain this real quick. This statement is completely contingent on one, or all, of the major powers (Florida, Texas, Alabama) losing a game before the end of the season. If any two of these teams remain unbeaten, this becomes a total moot point. However, if any of these teams end up with a loss, can anyone make a case explaining why an unbeaten Big 10 team should be snubbed in favor of a 1-loss Texas, Florida, USC, Virginia Tech, etc?

Boise State? Stop, just stop. One win over a decent team does not a National Title team make. Cincinnati? The Big 10>>> the Big East, end of story. The fact of the matter is, if something happens to the elite of the elite in college football and the Hawkeyes go unbeaten, they will be playing for the BCS title. Wins over Michigan, Penn State (on the road), and possible wins over Ohio State (at the 'Shoe) and Wisconsin (on the road) make for a pretty impressive resume. If only because the bulk of their quality wins would be road wins, Kirk Ferentz's team deserves the nod over the 1-loss teams Big 10 bashing nerds will be clamoring for.

5) It will be a sad day for college football when Tim Tebow leaves: Please note that this has very little to do with Tebow's performance against LSU on Saturday. Sure, he had some flashes of brilliance and it's somewhat undeniable what he means to that Gators team, but this is more a comment on his overall body of work. Even in a sport that has seen an influx of running QB's in the last 10-15 years, Tebow truly revolutionized the position. While Michael Vick and others attempted to make people miss and move the pocket around, Tebow simply goes wild bull on opposing defenses and tries to run them over if they're in his way. Can anyone recall a time when he slid down instead of taking tacklers head on? And for a QB with a less than incredible passing game, he has made some of the most clutch and incredible throws I've ever seen. Whether it be the unorthodox jump pass that usually accompanies a National Title, or simply his bullet pass hitting his tight end on a quick slant, he seems to make any throw his team needs him to make.

Realistically, the intangibles don't even need to be discussed because we all know about them. He's a great leader and motivator for his team, and a coach's dream. Look no further than his speech after the Ole Miss loss engraved on the entrance to "The Swamp" for proof of how much he means to Florida. Tebow is a once in a generation player and it's an honor to watch him do what he does every weekend. Here's hoping he can continue his play on the next level. (anywhere but Jacksonville please!)

6) The K-Zone Curse lives! (or is born, whatever): Yeah, I just made that up and I know it's pretty weak, but apparently it's real. No less than a week after I proclaim that Auburn and Wisconsin need to be recognized in the Top 25 polls, they immediately go out and get shellacked by Arkansas and Ohio State respectively. This comes on the heels of Cal laying an egg against USC after I declare that it will Game of the Year and Jahvid Best becoming a non-factor for the Heisman after I throw my support behind him. Oops, sorry guys. This just makes me wonder, what is the extent to which I can take this? Let's find out...

- Everything I said about Iowa will come true.
- USC will completely truck Notre Dame this weekend. (wow, that one really hurt)
- Alabama will play Florida for the SEC title and straight up dominate.

Can't really think of any others that would be considered a "curse" if they actually happened. I was going to throw in "Greg Paulus will be benched for Ryan Nassib before the end of the season" but it looks like he's doing a good enough job cursing himself.

7) Finally, justice for the Crimson Tide: Sure, they only moved up to #2 in the polls, but it's progress. Obviously they weren't going to leapfrog Florida after they beat LSU, but at least the voters finally realized that Alabama beating a decent, yet highly overrated, Ole Miss team is far more important than Texas destroying Colorado and their nepotism driven offense. If Texas beat Oklahoma this weekend, more than likely they'll retake the number 2 spot, but they probably shouldn't. That would be their first "good" win of the season, and it's really not all that impressive now that the Sooners have 2 losses.

In reality, the polls will mean absolutely nothing until the SEC title game happens. If Florida and Alabama meet up in that game, it's not really going to matter who is #1 at that point. The winner of that game will be the number 1 team, the loser will drop to around 4th or 5th, and Texas will be number 2, barring a loss at some point. So Longhorns fans, relax about being dropped in the polls. It's really not that big a deal right now, especially with Oklahoma and their conquering hero Sam Bradford coming to town this week.

It's "Official"; Sports are in the hands of dangerous men

It's intrinsic of professional sports that those who oversee a game, or fight, will have some effect on how that particular event turns out. The problem is, as we've seen recently in both college and pro football, the MLB playoffs, and combat events both domestic and abroad, officials are actively altering the outcomes of events through poor judgment and general over zealousness.

More so than probably any other athletic event, the visibility of officials and the scrutiny that can arise from their actions is most pronounced in combat sports. And for good reason; the referee is charged with literally protecting the lives of the fighters. However, the purpose of a boxing or MMA match is no only for two combatants to prove who is the better fighter, it is more than likely their cheif source of income. When a referee fails to their job properly through indecision in protecting a defenseless fighter, or a nervous, knee-jerk reaction to a temporarily stunned fighters, they are not only taking money away from a fighter at that moment, they could be threatening the future earning power for said fighter.

If you need an example of what exactly it is I'm talking about, look no further than last weekend's WEC card, DREAM.11 and the ShoBox card from October 2nd. Starting with the ShoBox card, in the Antwone Smith-Henry Crawford bout, in the 9th round Smith leveled Crawford with a right that should have stopped the bout. Unfortunately for Smith's brain, the referee and his clearly uncaring cornermen (who came to the ring without an enswell to bring down the swelling on their fighter's face) allowed the fighter to endure a legal assault for the remainder of the round, and part of the next. In a perfect, or even halfway decent, world, when the referee heard Crawford's cornermen yell "wake him up!" in between the 9th and 10th rounds, he would have waved the fight off. Realistically, the bout was over in the 6th round after Smith brutalized Crawford while he basically stood still with his hands down. But ,we live in an imperfect world where referees who will not wave off a bout unless a fighter is starring at the ceiling are extremely prevalent.

On the MMA side, the standard go-to scapegoat for fans' ire towards referee incompetence is aimed at Cecil Peoples or the fighter tackling Dan Miragliotta. But, as Sherdog's Jordan Breen points out in his most recent op-ed piece, the real enemy fans should know is boxing/MMA referee Jon Schorle. I'll be honest, I was only partially aware of Schorle's incompetence before seeing his antics at the weekend's WEC event. I had seen him allow Vitali Klitschko to destroy Corrie Sanders while Sanders offered nothing in the way of defense, but I never connected the man with his horrible decision making. Well now I've seen the light, and wow does it hurt. Dave Jansen versus Rich Crunkilton provides a shining example of why Schorle should not be allowed anywhere near an MMA event, or boxing for that matter. After a clear groin shot to Crunkilton, not only did he not call for a foul timeout right away, he allowed Jansen to slam him to the mat before intervening. As fans at home were left dumbfounded by his brilliant fighter condition check of "you okay dude?", Schorle added to his ridiculousness by giving Jansen about 10 seconds to work on the ground after a takedown (on multiple occasions mind you) before resuming the fight on the feet. Problem is, Jansen was getting tooled on the feet by Crunkilton, and his recourse to stop the beating was to take him down and control him on the ground.

This is precisely what I am talking about when I say officials are altering the outcome of sporting events. Jansen clearly understood that his easiest route to victory was to use his superior takedowns and top control to win the bout. But, Schorle actively attempted to force Jansen out his gameplan, for some unknown reason, by limiting his ability to work his grappling. When fans, who are notorious for booing when a fight hits the floor, are booing because the fight is stood up by an overzealous referee, there is clearly a problem. Jansen was correctly awarded a decision, but fighters train to enter the cage an take on one opponent, not two.

Recently, the umpires employed by the MLB have committed egregious and inexcusable mistakes on an far too frequent basis. Possibly even more horrifying about these occurrences than the obvious fact that they cost teams games or kill momentum, is that they are being committed by quality umpires. In the tragic case of Joe Mauer's double that wasn't against the Yankees, the man who blew the call was 10 year veteran Phil Cuzzi. Yes the call was absolutely brutal, but the backlash has been relatively minimal simply because the Twins had multiple chances to overcome that blown call. Flip over to the National League, where on consecutive nights, the Rockies were victimized by horrible "safe" calls at first base by a 10 year, and 16 year vets respectively. Had any of these 3 calls been bang-bang plays, you could give a bit of a pass to these otherwise excellent umpires. However, in no way were any of these plays disputable. Mauer's ball landed well inside the foul line and Todd Helton clearly kept his foot on the bag on both plays against the Phillies.

The obvious solution is for baseball is to institute an expanded replay system to correct blown calls. Here's the real solution; in the playoffs, there are 6 umpires on the field during the game. Is there any conceivable reason why these umpires can't huddle up and discuss the call? The common thread between the 3 plays is that in all cases, the call was made solely by the corresponding umpire. Especially during the playoffs, umpires are scrutinized for just about every call they make. If the home plate umpire makes a horrid strike call, fans are going to notice more than if the game was being played in May. I try (key word: try) to be objective watching games the involve my New York Yankees. That's why it pains me to watch the umpires possibly alter the outcome of games by either having an inconsistent strike zone, or give in to the pressure of the dreaded make-up call. Is there a more embarrassing occurrence in professional sports than an official intentionally throwing a call simply in the name of competitive balance? Consistency is the cure for bad umpiring, not inconsistency that results in a call being made despite it clearly being the wrong one to make.

I hate to keep piling on the Rockies because they just lost a tough Game 4 at home, but the clinching game had one of the most blatant and embarrassing examples of a make up call in recent memory. After catcher Yorvit Torrealba was punched out an a pitch that was clearly low and inside, the catcher proceeded to complain to the home plate umpire about the location of the pitch. Although it didn't change the call at the moment, as it never does, the guilt trip that was laid on the umpire clearly affected him. Later in the game, with Torrealba behind the plate, the Phillies fell victim to a make up strike call that was even worse than the one previous. As if he were celebrating the fact that the umpire intentionally jobbed the Phils in retribution, Torrealba nodded and looked back at the home plate ump. Classy. Usually when cheating occurs in professional sports, the players and officials have the good taste to at least attempt to cover it up.

Which brings us to the ever degrading state of the officiating crews in football. It is a strong possibility that football has the most flexible set of concrete rules ever put to paper. Just about every call that is made in the course of a football game is a judgment call, despite there being defined criteria for every penalty. But the problem isn't with the rules, it's with the referees who refuse to let the players decide the game in favor of allowing a piece of yellow fabric dictate a teams' ability to win. Georgia versus LSU would probably have to be the most blatant example of over reacting officials deciding a game so far this season in football. As A.J. Green celebrates, rather mildly mind you, a huge score against a hated rival, up goes the flag and away goes 15 yards of field position to LSU. Oh, but have no fear, after the Tigers immediately got the ball near midfield and scored a TD right back at Georgia, the officials threw a make up flag for LSU's celebration. Great, that 15 yards will really help with :20 seconds left, down by 4 with no timeouts. And let's not be delusional, LSU could have gone Barry Sanders with their celebration and simply handed the ball to the back judge, and they still would have been flagged for excessive celebration.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; roughing the passer penalties are complete nonsense and need to be adjusted to adhere to the criteria for any other unnecessary roughness or late hit penalty. Leave it to the NFL to hire an entire staff of referees that parade around in skirts and stilettos in their down time.

Colts-Titans: Peyton Manning is dragged down to the ground by a lineman who already had a hold of him and was bringing him to the ground as the ball was thrown. FLAG - roughing the passer. The Colts proceed score a TD on the next play.

Jets-Dolphins: Ben Hartsock goes across the middle, jumps 4 inches in the air trying to get to a ball over his head, gets leveled Gibril Wilson just as the ball passes over Hartsock's hands. FLAG - unnecessary roughness; defenseless receiver. (dumbest...penalty...ever. Receivers make themselves defenseless, deal with it)

Patriots-Broncos: 4th quarter, Broncos down by 7, Brandon Merriweather breaks up a pass to Eddie Royal. FLAG: Taunting, the flag was clearly thrown before Merriweather even got off the ground, which would signal that the ref was going to flag him for something else but decided to change him mind. The Broncos tied the game on the next play after moving half the distance to the goal.

Bengals-Ravens: 4th quarter, Bengals down by 4, 3rd down and long, Ed Reed breaks up a pass to Chad Ochocinco. FLAG - pass interference, Reed barely touches Ochocinco on the play. The Bengals score the winning TD on the next play.

Jets-Dolphins (again): 4th quarter, Jets down by 4, Sanchez goes up top to Braylon Edwards, he drops the TD pass (shocking!). FLAG - pass interference, Will Allen literally doesn't even touch Edwards on the play. Jets move 45 yards down the field and score at TD on the next play.

And these are all just examples from this week! I could throw in Ed Hoculi's brutal gaffe in the Broncos-Chargers game from last season, but let's keep things current shall we? Can I say without an iota of doubt that any of these games would have turned out any different without these calls? Of course not. My problem is that the players are becoming increasingly handcuffed with their ability to decide the game for themselves. The NFL, like most other sports, is exceedingly star driven to an almost nauseating level. What sets the NFL apart from other professional leagues, with the NBA being a glaring exception, is that the rules can be adjusted to coddle their money makers. Look no further than the unwritten "Tom Brady rule" for proof. Go back to the previously discussed Colts-Titans game. 3 plays before the penalty already listed, Kyle Vanden Bosch is blocked into the backfield and as he tries to get up, hits Manning in the knees. Guess what happened next? If you answered anything other than a roughing the passer flag, you either haven't been paying attention or are just unbelievably dense.

It's a sad state of affairs when one team can go into a game knowing that they will be limited in what they can do, simply because they're playing against Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, etc. Is it too much to ask that officials limit their star struck tendencies, call a game both ways, and occasionally swallow the whistle when Brady starts complaining if the defense looks at him funny? The saying goes "may the best man win", not "may the worst officials decide who wins".